Washington, D.C. – In a special announcement delivered today,
Mitt Romney finally offered an explanation for his bank accounts in both
Switzerland and the Grand Cayman Islands. News of the secretive accounts surfaced
early in the Republican campaign, but they have recently attracted the
attention of nosy, liberal haters.
During a conference call on Monday, organized by President
Obama, Democrat party leaders planned on discussing the “Buffet Rule.” The
proposed tax plan (named after the requirement that customers grab a new plate for
every visit to the buffet) would raise taxes for the country’s millionaires. The
talk quickly degenerated into an all out “let’s hate on Romney” fest, proving the
Democrats can never be happy for other people’s success. Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) was the first to try
and slut-shame the former Governor by inquiring, “When is the last time a
presidential candidate had a Swiss bank account?” After reminding his peers
that “Uhh” is not a valid response, Durbin ventured, “I think the answer is
never”; showcasing a typical, leftist work ethic by being too lazy to actually
check his facts.
Romney had this to say in response, “My fellow Americans, you might have heard a lot of nasty rumors about
me and what I’m doing with my money. The truth is that I do have overseas
accounts, but they are not being used as tax shelters. The real reason for
those accounts is that I was planning on spending that money on a super secret
surprise for everybody after I won the election, and I didn’t want you guys to
find out about it. There was going to be fireworks, Rick Santorum was going to
do balloon animals, Cain was going to bring pizzas, really special stuff like
that. But Durbin and the rest of Obama’s cronies have spoiled it for everyone.
What’s the point now that you already know? It wouldn’t be the same. The Democrats might have been trying to make
me look bad, but it turns out they’ve only let down the American public once
again.”
Showing zero remorse for their actions, the Obama camp
continue to use Romney’s finances as a key talking point and are demanding
Romney release tax returns from the past 23 years. The GOP presidential
candidate selflessly ignored these requests (despite sharing the same exact records
with John McCain in 2008), and has even filed an extension for his 2011 returns
just to show everyone who’s boss. Romney’s campaign hinted that the money he
saves by paying 10% less in taxes than the average American might go to something
even better than he was planning before, but that won’t happen if we “keep
snooping around.”