WISCONSIN – A crowd of literally dozens descended upon
Lawrence University this afternoon to hear presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney,
deliver what he promised would be a “major political announcement.” Riding the
momentum of a strong win in Illinois, the GOP primary leader chose the “Harvard
of the Midwest” as the first stop of his Wisconsin campaign.
Speculations surrounding the former Governor’s announcement
have abounded since this past Tuesday, when he announced the “major” Wisconsin announcement
during an ostensibly “minor” pre-announcement in Chicago, IL. At the time, Romney
would not elaborate; only hinting his campaign would make a “major” change of
the “political” variety during the Wisconsin primaries.
At 2 p.m., Romney took the stage just as the primary voters
and political analysts in attendance began to verbally express their disbelief
that no one really had anything better to do on a Friday afternoon. After quieting the crowd, and thanking them
in a thinly veiled sarcastic tone, the GOP presidential candidate launched into
what many consider the greatest speech of his campaign.
“Friends, many of you know what this upcoming
Sunday marks for our beloved nation, and the significance it holds for me. I am
not speaking of April Fool’s Day, or as I call it, Democrat’s Folly Day. Nor do
I speak of the official start of the extremely important April primaries. Those
of you who share my same values, know that I am of course speaking about the
triumphant return of the excellent series, Game of Thrones. With this momentous event in mind, I have
realized it is time for me to make a decision concerning my campaign. Between
March 18th, the day the season finale of The Walking Dead aired, and now I have taken an especially
hard look at the effects this long campaign on the road has had on my T.V.
viewing. And, after consulting with
family and top advisors, I have decided to bow out of the race for the Republican
nomination, before the suffering becomes more than I can bear. I am sorry, but
I am only human. Thank you for your support.”
Romney then took time to answer questions from the
decreasing crowd; as most attendees had already begun leaving, following a
rumor of half price paninis at the local Perkin’s. Some showed support for
Romney’s decision, chanting, “Yeah, those are pretty decent shows, I guess.”
Other’s expressed confusion and anger, questioning why Romney, with a delegate lead over 300, would simply give up. Especially with experts expecting him to easily carry the April primaries, all but ensuring the GOP nomination. Gov. Romney berated them, questioning why they “obviously [couldn’t] afford decent cable;” implying those who were incredulous of his decision didn’t have the financial means to watch the top-rated cable programs on AMC and HBO. The former potential candidate further implied that if the doubters were not so ignorant, they would stop “watching [their] ‘America’s Biggest Dancer’ or whatever and watch some programming that makes [them] think,” ignoring the fact that many people watch premium cable simply for the full frontal nudity.
Romney responded angrily to other inquiries as to why he “couldn’t just TiVo it like everyone else?”
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep an entire team of staffers
quiet?! Despite sending an official memo warning my team that I had not seen
the last few episodes before the season finale of the Walking Dead, someone
came right up to me and asked if I could believe they killed Dale. I was all,
“what the f*ck?!” and fired him on the spot. My campaign strategy may be like
an Etch-a-Sketch, but my mind is not! I can’t just press a reset and pretend
like I didn’t hear that. That a**hole ruined it for me. I haven’t been this mad
since my wife told me Bruce Willis’ character was a ghost in “The Sixth Sense”
before I watched it.”
This confession led some to theorize that similar
motivations may be behind Newt Gingrich’s announcement that he was laying off
one third of his entire staff.
Romney said he was heading back to Massachusetts
immediately, but not before imploring the media not to “bother” him on
Saturday, since he had already planned on re-watching the entire first season
of Game of Thrones on his “super
expensive home entertainment system” in preparation for the second season
premiere.
