Romney to Dick, “You’ve spoiled everything!”

Washington, D.C. – In a special announcement delivered today, Mitt Romney finally offered an explanation for his bank accounts in both Switzerland and the Grand Cayman Islands. News of the secretive accounts surfaced early in the Republican campaign, but they have recently attracted the attention of nosy, liberal haters.

During a conference call on Monday, organized by President Obama, Democrat party leaders planned on discussing the “Buffet Rule.” The proposed tax plan (named after the requirement that customers grab a new plate for every visit to the buffet) would raise taxes for the country’s millionaires. The talk quickly degenerated into an all out “let’s hate on Romney” fest, proving the Democrats can never be happy for other people’s success.  Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) was the first to try and slut-shame the former Governor by inquiring, “When is the last time a presidential candidate had a Swiss bank account?” After reminding his peers that “Uhh” is not a valid response, Durbin ventured, “I think the answer is never”; showcasing a typical, leftist work ethic by being too lazy to actually check his facts.

Romney had this to say in response, “My fellow Americans, you might have heard a lot of nasty rumors about me and what I’m doing with my money. The truth is that I do have overseas accounts, but they are not being used as tax shelters. The real reason for those accounts is that I was planning on spending that money on a super secret surprise for everybody after I won the election, and I didn’t want you guys to find out about it. There was going to be fireworks, Rick Santorum was going to do balloon animals, Cain was going to bring pizzas, really special stuff like that. But Durbin and the rest of Obama’s cronies have spoiled it for everyone. What’s the point now that you already know? It wouldn’t be the same. The Democrats might have been trying to make me look bad, but it turns out they’ve only let down the American public once again.”

Showing zero remorse for their actions, the Obama camp continue to use Romney’s finances as a key talking point and are demanding Romney release tax returns from the past 23 years. The GOP presidential candidate selflessly ignored these requests (despite sharing the same exact records with John McCain in 2008), and has even filed an extension for his 2011 returns just to show everyone who’s boss. Romney’s campaign hinted that the money he saves by paying 10% less in taxes than the average American might go to something even better than he was planning before, but that won’t happen if we “keep snooping around.”

Vegas Casinos Taking Bets on Santorum’s Salacious Secrets

Las Vegas, NV – With the excitement of March Madness almost over, Vegas oddmakers have set their sights on something slightly more relevant than unpaid, collegiate athletes: the Republican presidential primaries. The clear favorite for the nomination is Mitt Romney (1 to 20), but the latest batch of odds focuses on another candidate and has a decidedly sexy outlook.

GOP primary candidate, Rick Santorum, is known for his hardline conservative stance on everything from birth control to pornography. However, Vegas casinos are now accepting bets on whether the outspoken right-winger has any skeletons hiding in his closet and whether they’ll come to light (Actual human skeleton in closet: 37 to 1). Bets can be placed on a variety of potential scandals; ranging from the normal, ultra-conservative traps like sexual harassment of underage, male pages (1 to 5) and clandestine trips to the local gay bar (1 to 30) to the downright bizarre like brother-on-brother incest (69 to 1) or a penchant for Crusades themed role-playing (1 to 13). Gambling experts advise people not to be so skeptical, and encourage those who didn’t win big at Mega Millions and want to test their luck again to listen to the former Senator’s own words if they need proof. Head bookie for offshoregamblingaddiction.com, Mitch Novac, 62, agrees that making a wager on Santorum’s hinted hang-ups is probably a safer bet than spending a night alone with him:

You have to think a little more carefully next time he does things like compare gay marriage to man on dog sex. That’s not a normal conclusion for someone to make. It’s our job to recognize these Freudian slips, and then come up with the odds that there is a very real, very disturbing reason that would even be on his mind (Secret marriage to a dog: 58 to 1). Or look at his statements on pornography: Santorum vows to shut down the $4 billion dollar industry if he becomes President and claims porn causes elusive “brain changes.” Sure, scientists haven’t found that to be true, but the man obviously thinks about pornography more than any scientist. Rick might be speaking from personal experience. Maybe he’s been to the dark side and he’s trying to warn us in his own special way (Lead male actor in underground, German torture porno: 43 to 1). In any case, if you’re willing to read between the lines and put up a little cash, you could be rewarded handsomely.

Risk takers can even place bets on what Santorum will be up to after he finally gives up his increasingly pathetic campaign. “Starting a voyeur webcam service with Rush Limbaugh where old conservatives can watch filthy, liberal sluts have protected sex” is your “safe” bet, with the odds at 2 to 1.

Bets on receiving unethical campaign contributions offer no action, since Santorum’s blemished record is already well documented. Fortunately, Santorum has succeeded in making everyone forget about how big of a crook he is by drawing attention to his insanity (Legally Insane: 25 to 1), leaving plenty of potential for prizes.

Bookies expect Santorum bets will be big business, as gambling fever continues to ravage the nation after the massive, interstate scam known as the lottery left millions of people without millions of dollars. With imaginative indecencies like “santorum (yes, that kind) fetish” at 7 to 3 odds, it’s projected that 99% of Americans will attempt to cash in on “Sultry” Santorum.

Mitt Romney Surprises GOP Voters and Leaders With "Major Announcement" in Wisconsin

WISCONSIN – A crowd of literally dozens descended upon Lawrence University this afternoon to hear presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, deliver what he promised would be a “major political announcement.” Riding the momentum of a strong win in Illinois, the GOP primary leader chose the “Harvard of the Midwest” as the first stop of his Wisconsin campaign.

Speculations surrounding the former Governor’s announcement have abounded since this past Tuesday, when he announced the “major” Wisconsin announcement during an ostensibly “minor” pre-announcement in Chicago, IL. At the time, Romney would not elaborate; only hinting his campaign would make a “major” change of the “political” variety during the Wisconsin primaries.

At 2 p.m., Romney took the stage just as the primary voters and political analysts in attendance began to verbally express their disbelief that no one really had anything better to do on a Friday afternoon.  After quieting the crowd, and thanking them in a thinly veiled sarcastic tone, the GOP presidential candidate launched into what many consider the greatest speech of his campaign.

“Friends, many of you know what this upcoming Sunday marks for our beloved nation, and the significance it holds for me. I am not speaking of April Fool’s Day, or as I call it, Democrat’s Folly Day. Nor do I speak of the official start of the extremely important April primaries. Those of you who share my same values, know that I am of course speaking about the triumphant return of the excellent series, Game of Thrones. With this momentous event in mind, I have realized it is time for me to make a decision concerning my campaign. Between March 18^th, the day the season finale of The Walking Dead aired, and now I have taken an especially hard look at the effects this long campaign on the road has had on my T.V. viewing.  And, after consulting with family and top advisors, I have decided to bow out of the race for the Republican nomination, before the suffering becomes more than I can bear. I am sorry, but I am only human. Thank you for your support.”

 

Romney then took time to answer questions from the decreasing crowd; as most attendees had already begun leaving, following a rumor of half price paninis at the local Perkin’s. Some showed support for Romney’s decision, chanting, “Yeah, those are pretty decent shows, I guess.”

Other’s expressed confusion and anger, questioning why Romney, with a delegate lead over 300, would simply give up. Especially with experts expecting him to easily carry the April primaries, all but ensuring the GOP nomination. Gov. Romney berated them, questioning why they “obviously [couldn’t] afford decent cable;” implying those who were incredulous of his decision didn’t have the financial means to watch the top-rated cable programs on AMC and HBO. The former potential candidate further implied that if the doubters were not so ignorant, they would stop “watching [their] ‘America’s Biggest Dancer’ or whatever and watch some programming that makes [them] think,” ignoring the fact that many people watch premium cable simply for the full frontal nudity.

Romney responded angrily to other inquiries as to why he “couldn’t just TiVo it like everyone else?”

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep an entire team of staffers quiet?! Despite sending an official memo warning my team that I had not seen the last few episodes before the season finale of the Walking Dead, someone came right up to me and asked if I could believe they killed Dale. I was all, “what the f*ck?!” and fired him on the spot. My campaign strategy may be like an Etch-a-Sketch, but my mind is not! I can’t just press a reset and pretend like I didn’t hear that. That a**hole ruined it for me. I haven’t been this mad since my wife told me Bruce Willis’ character was a ghost in “The Sixth Sense” before I watched it.”

This confession led some to theorize that similar motivations may be behind Newt Gingrich’s announcement that he was laying off one third of his entire staff.

Romney said he was heading back to Massachusetts immediately, but not before imploring the media not to “bother” him on Saturday, since he had already planned on re-watching the entire first season of Game of Thrones on his “super expensive home entertainment system” in preparation for the second season premiere.