Las Vegas, NV – With the excitement of March Madness almost
over, Vegas oddmakers have set their sights on something slightly more relevant
than unpaid, collegiate athletes: the Republican presidential primaries. The
clear favorite for the nomination is Mitt Romney (1 to 20), but the latest
batch of odds focuses on another candidate and has a decidedly sexy outlook.
GOP primary candidate, Rick Santorum, is known for his
hardline conservative stance on everything from birth control to pornography.
However, Vegas casinos are now accepting bets on whether the outspoken
right-winger has any skeletons hiding in his closet and whether they’ll come to
light (Actual human skeleton in closet: 37 to 1). Bets can be placed on a
variety of potential scandals; ranging from the normal, ultra-conservative
traps like sexual harassment of underage, male pages (1 to 5) and clandestine
trips to the local gay bar (1 to 30) to the downright bizarre like brother-on-brother
incest (69 to 1) or a penchant for Crusades themed role-playing (1 to 13). Gambling
experts advise people not to be so skeptical, and encourage those who didn’t
win big at Mega Millions and want to test their luck again to listen to the former
Senator’s own words if they need proof. Head bookie for offshoregamblingaddiction.com,
Mitch Novac, 62, agrees that making a wager on Santorum’s hinted hang-ups is
probably a safer bet than spending a night alone with him:
You
have to think a little more carefully next time he does things like compare gay
marriage to man on dog sex. That’s not a normal conclusion for someone to make.
It’s our job to recognize these Freudian slips, and then come up with the odds
that there is a very real, very disturbing reason that would even be on his
mind (Secret marriage to a dog: 58 to 1). Or look at his statements on
pornography: Santorum vows to shut down the $4 billion dollar industry if he
becomes President and claims porn causes elusive “brain changes.” Sure,
scientists haven’t found that to be true, but the man obviously thinks about
pornography more than any scientist. Rick might be speaking from personal
experience. Maybe he’s been to the dark side and he’s trying to warn us in his
own special way (Lead male actor in underground, German torture porno: 43 to 1).
In any case, if you’re willing to read between the lines and put up a little
cash, you could be rewarded handsomely.
Risk takers can even place bets on what Santorum will be up
to after he finally gives up his increasingly pathetic campaign. “Starting a
voyeur webcam service with Rush Limbaugh where old conservatives can watch
filthy, liberal sluts have protected sex” is your “safe” bet, with the odds at
2 to 1.
Bets on receiving unethical campaign contributions offer no
action, since Santorum’s blemished record is already well documented.
Fortunately, Santorum has succeeded in making everyone forget about how big of
a crook he is by drawing attention to his insanity (Legally Insane: 25 to 1),
leaving plenty of potential for prizes.
Bookies expect Santorum bets will be big business, as
gambling fever continues to ravage the nation after the massive, interstate
scam known as the lottery left millions of people without millions of dollars. With
imaginative indecencies like “santorum (yes, that kind) fetish” at 7 to 3 odds,
it’s projected that 99% of Americans will attempt to cash in on “Sultry”
Santorum.
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